Things Men Do

14 10 2008

This one is gross. This could be funny but it’s still gross. Particularly the fairer of the two sexes could find it, particularly gross. So if you are a goody-goody kind of a person who doesn’t like to read gross things – stop right here.

Now that I know that you aren’t grossed out by things that are indeed gross – let’s start.

This one concerns men. Women folks somehow always seem to have a man of their dreams. At times it could be somebody like George Clooney or George Bush or Superman – anybody. As far as men go, they want to imitate these men. Somebody wants to be an Einstien while someone else might want to become a Manoj Kumar (or Abhishek Bacchan if you are talking about me) to impress a particular girl of his  respective dreams. Now you’ll say – “well, what’s so gross about all this?”

Well, men and women, as you fantasize and imitate these men, does it occur to you as to how these men behave in a public toilet? Ummm…okay, that’s gross! Right! Stop right here because from next paragraph onwards you are going to be introduced to different types of men depending on their behavior in a public lavatory.

Now, since you are reading this, I assume that you are mentally tough and so with this, I start my classification of men depending on their – well, pissing behavior.

<1> The Shy Guy

This guy is – shy. What he needs is a complete privacy when he does his stuff. First thing he does when he enters the loo is that he checks if the lavatory is almost empty. An empty lavatory is like a dreamland for him. Then what he does is, he occupies the cubicle at the extreme end – the last one. If that’s unavailable, he selects one which has unoccupied nearest neighbors. Once he gets the cubicle of his choice, his gaze is focused on what he is doing. His eyes don’t wander about. Just does his thing quietly and goes away.

Problem comes when, out of nowhere, somebody comes and stands besides him. Even worse when the other person starts a casual chitchat with him. Under such conditions, despite the rising pressure, this guy cannot pee. He stands there for a while just pretending that he is pissing, flushes the toilet and runs away. He then comes back half an hour later and goes through the above-mentioned routine again.

The fact that this guy could be a cool dude outside the toilet has nothing to do with his toilet shyness.

Amongst famous people who could belong to this category are Rahul Dravid, Ajay Devgan.

This author, that’s me, too identifies himself in this category.

<2> The ‘Pee’ker

This guy has nothing better to do than peek into the next cubicle. He is the ultimate nightmare of the shy guy. I have no clue as to what sadistic pleasure he gets by peeking. Now, he doesn’t stop here. Peeking is still – well, grudgingly acceptable but this guy starts to comment on your anatomy. Its freaking pathetic to hear a comment like “whoa, so big” or a stifled laughter. YUCK!

Famous people: Stiffler from American Pie, Akshay Kumar, The entire Australian cricket team.

<3> ‘Pee’thovens (alright, sorry for this pathetic pun)

This guy creates amazing sound effects in the loo. To start with, he needs a sort of hissing sound to get his leak started – sssss…Then comes a sigh of relief, “AAAhhhh…” like an Arab who’s found an Oasis. The come a “uuufff…” if his job doesn’t get over in 38 seconds. Its a boon that man cannot make all sorts of sounds, or else a men’s toilet would be full of sounds – from a waterfall to a tornado or even an ocean may be.

Famous people: Himesh Reshmiah, Annu Malik, Govinda.

<4> The stand backs

These guys are like those cricket players who always find a name in the 15-member team but can never break into the playing eleven. Come what may, these guys will always prefer to stand behind somebody who is pissing. Even though there could be six other empty cubicles, this guy would stand in line. The intention of this guy is still not clear to me. It could be a prank or just sheer habit or may be a numerological preference for some cubicle.

Famous People: Johny Lever, Ajit Agarkar

<5> Flying Zippers

The funniest of the lot. This guy is perhaps too lost in himself. Even before he has entered the toilet, his zippers are off and he walks shamelessly unaware of other people’s wild and horrified gazes and begins his job, no sooner has he reached his cubicle. Zero time lag. However, this guy is not a shameless freak. He is plain absent minded.

Famous people: Archimedes, Paresh Rawal

<6>Literature Laureate

While his left hand ensures that the lavatory remains clean, his right hand is busy writing/drawing something on the wall. These guys are artists with apparently no muse. Their creativity blossoms only while they are peeing. Most of the drawings they make are ideal examples of female anatomy – men’s toilets are full of such artistic masterpieces. Some of them could even make a biology book bow down in shame.

But the real geniuses are the one’s who write. The graffitists. The advices they write about life are worth following. Life would indeed become better. Certain examples of what they write:

a) Stop reading start pissing. (wow)

b) Turn to your back. (At the back) Turn to your right. (On Right) Turn to your left. (On left) “Dude, life is too precious to spend looking around in a public urinal. Piss off. (How true!)

Famous People: Kurt Vonneguut, Leonardo da Vinci, the guy who wrote the song ‘aati kya khandala’

<7> Movers and shakers

Now the literature guy also writes “No matter how hard you shake, the last drop is always in your underwear.” This is a fact of life and you have to accept it and move on. But then

there is always this guy who just seems so stuck up. He refuses to acknowledge it. This guy belongs to the movers and shakers type. After he is done, he shakes his…whatever…vigorously and for a long time. It really looks pathetic from back.

Famous People: Prabhu Deva, Sreesanth

<8> Pleeeeeease

This guy enters into the loo only in case of extreme emergency and always when the toilet is full. He gives an amazing expression of agony and pain personified and begs others to allow him to break the line. You have to give in after looking at his pathetically distorted face.

Famous people: Rajpal Yadav

<9> The quick ones

Another mystery. How these guys do it, I do not know. They finish peeing in 5-8 seconds. Complete mystery. At times I have wondered if these people really do anything. Could be a shy guy in disguise.

Famous People: Bill Gates, Steve Jobs

<10>Dirty Harry

Hate them. They do not believe in the use of good old H2O.  They neither wash their own hands nor do they flush. Bad! Bad!

Famous People: Gulshan Grover, Shakti Kapoor.

Right on girls – these are your dream guys. Chose carefully.

Guys – these are your heroes. Follow ’em cautiously.

Note from the author: The author would like to apologize if somebody’s religious sentiments are hurt. Comments of course are welcome.

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2 responses

14 10 2008
Vikrant Payal

Ha ha ha. You could also add the ‘Pees on Earth’ kind.

21 05 2010
Sangeeta

yuck .. yuck … its really gross 🙂

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