Complete and full!!

18 05 2011

It was about four years ago when I first saw the man who was about to change my life!!

I sat in an audience of a few thousand in not-so-hot sun and unlike others I wasn’t so much looking forward to seeing Him. What I wanted was a patch of cloud to shade me from the sun. People were singing a bhajan which I didn’t know then but now is my favorite bhajan.

Radhe Radhe, radhe Radhe,

Radha Manas chandrama

Its a bhajan about intense longing and how the mind keeps changing like the phases of the moon when you are in love.

So anyway, people are singing and suddenly He walks up there and shouts “RAAADHEEEYYYYYYYY!!!!” with intense longing. And then a lovable, “Radhe!!” with His trademark mischivious smile.  He went on to talk at length as how krishna is love and Radha is longing. How you need longing for love to exist and yet strangely enough, love cannot stand distance. What He spoke was awesome but I was bothered by the sun.

And suddenly, out of nowhere, a big patch of cloud hid the mean ol’ sun behind it, much to the loud cheers. He looked at the audience and I could feel Him looking at me, an intense gaze, with his naughty smile and sais, “Hmmm, Hum apna kaam kar rahe hai na theek se!

Well, of course, like any other sensible person, I acknowledged it as a coincidence. The next four years went by with many ups and downs. He made me soak in His knowledge. He made me laugh, appreciate life and people around me. Made me cry too. Salty tears of misery flowed and became sweet tears of gratitude. Life became a celebration.

His gaze

But there was this one thing that bothered me. That intense gaze of His. That gaze had continued for a long time and then stopped. He had stopped looking at me. I tried many things to attract His attention but He just didn’t look.

Until yesterday. Yesterday I was at His satsang again. It was as usual beautiful. It was also one of my last few satsangs in Bangalore which considerably reduces the chance of seeing Him. And suddenly the bhajan started.

Radha Manas Chandrama.

And He looked at me. The same gaze. Intense gaze. Intense and yet beautiful. For almost 20 seconds. I din’t know but I was crying. The look said it all.

I am there for you. How could you even think that I could ignore you? I am you.

May be He had just made me long for His love by pretending to ignore me. I now know that He wasn’t ignoring me because I was still being taken care of. It was just that He wanted me to know that I might not get to see Him physically but He will always be there.

I was full. I was complete. I could feel my self. And like He says so often, I am not a seeker anymore. I have found.

I promise